My life in a nutshell. People who are average-sized, thin, not-morbidly obese don’t realize how much larger people have to think about their size and shape when trying to fit in (no pun intended) to social situations. I routinely find myself thinking about these things, feeling guilty about how much space I occupy, etc.
My point is think before you call someone “fat” or “huge.” Chances are they already know.
The first frame I can identify with so well. Even now my old habits die hard and I’m trying to recondition myself, but getting used to my body when it is sat down is proving harder than I originally thought. My fat changes itself when I sit down and I instantly look much larger, I’m not upset about this but somewhere deep in me I’m still conditioned to be afraid that I will “look fat” like this, so I cross my arms over myself, or put my bag and coat over my lap to hide the stomach rolls. Coming to terms with my body from all angles and positions will be a long process for sure as I have to go through the acceptance phases for each one.
Honestly, I still sometimes think it is just me who does this stuff and that it’s my own problem. Even with Fat Acceptance and everything I get involved in, it is so hard not to internalize these things and feel like there must be something wrong with me.
The bus thing. Totally. Like you said, I sometimes feel *bad* about how much space I take up. WHICH IS ABSURD. I take up the amount of space of a person. A person exactly my size. That is completely valid.
I definitely think that every time people are laughing anywhere in my vicinity they are laughing at me/my fatness/my audacity to wear the clothes I wear considering my fatness. And I am incredibly relieved to learn that this is not just me.
I’ve gotten over a little of the eating in front of people thing, though I have a really hard time accepting food that is offered to me. As if people offer me food to trap me into revealing what a fattie I am…or something.
And yes, I have been told by so-called friends that I would be prettier if I lost “just a few pounds.” Fuck that. I can be really pretty when I want to, and losing just a few pounds would do pretty much zilch to my physical appearance.
In one of my classes today, we have the chairs with the tiny little writing surface attached to one side, and I find them pretty uncomfortable to sit in because my butt is so large that I have pretty much no space between myself and my laptop to get a good angle for typing. In this room there are, however, a few slightly larger chairs of a similar design, which I find more comfortable. Yet, for some reason, today I felt awkward about going for that chair because I was actually afraid it would point out my fatness if I took the “big” chair, so I sat in an uncomfortable chair instead.
Which is SO stupid because it’s my super feminist class where I TALK ABOUT my experiences as a “plus-size” woman like it’s NBD. So why the fuck do I care what chair I sit in?
I hate internalized fatphobia so much and I wish it was easier to scour it out of me. It’s a slow process but I’m working my way there.
Reblogging for commentary.
Commentary is fucking good.
I relate to the shopping one so much. The other ones, I don’t so much relate to. I try to make myself smaller on the bus because I simply do not like touching strangers, the laughing thing I’ve never had a problem with, my friends (thank god) have never called me out on my weight, I’m still a little self concious when I’m eating especially when I’m at school, and luckily, my school has tables and big comfy rolling chairs to sit in. But the shopping one always gets me.
Where I have a lot of friends who are smaller than me, and only a few who are plus sized like me, whenever I go shopping with my average sized friends, I feel awkward because I’ll be in a store with them and looking at all the clothes I wish would fit me. I end up just following my friends around like a lost puppy cause I know I can’t fit into the clothes in the store. Then I feel like the employees of the store look at me like “what the fuck is she doing in her? she is much too big to wear our clothes”. It really gets me down.
Despite all of that, I’m not ashamed of my weight. I know I’m a healthy individual. In fact I’m healthier than some of my average sized friends. I still wear what I think I look good in and screw the rest of the world. I still don’t like shopping with my average sized friends though.
I’ve experienced all of these except the desk one and that’s only because we sat at tables for most of my college classes. But, the shopping and eating in public ones are definitely the ones I most relate to.
On the bus, I just pretended to be a selfish bitch who didn’t care if other kids had to sit three to a seat or on the floor. I put my bag and jacket beside me, as if reserving the seat, just so that the would-be person sitting next to me didn’t notice how little room was left on the seat. - I always feel like I’m being laughed or stared at. - While I’ve never had a friend who mentioned my weight or size, I feel like I would have rather had that than my own family telling me not that I would look better if I lost weight, but that I was just flat out fat and disgusting. That really hurt. - There’s a reason I don’t go shopping with other people. - I still don’t eat much when I’m other people. - In class, I was so self conscious about the size of the chairs and the amount of space I took up in them that I sat in a corner of the room on the floor and pretended that I just liked it better, even though I couldn’t see the board/lesson. - So, there’s my struggles with it.
(Source: , via hibdonianmusings)
